"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear"
These are the first words in C.S. Lewis' book A Grief Observed. I have found this to be true over and over again in life - fear follows and accompanies grief so easily. Whether I've been grieving the loss of my husband, a dream, a job, my comfort, a relationship, or about anything else...I am tempted to fear. And it can be consuming. Why is it that fear is such a natural companion to grief? It's fear of the future, fear of the present, fear that things will never change, fear that there isn't a plan, and fear that I've messed everything up. Angie Smith says in her book What Women Fear, "It's so easy to fear we've ruined something beautiful." I think this is so true of women. This is so true of me.
Perhaps, the root of all of this is the fear that the best is behind me.
The best is behind me? What a horrible thought.
But when I think about those times when I'm engrossed in fear, often this thought is at the root of what scares me so readily.
The enemy loves this fear. It paralyzes and lives in complete opposition to trusting and abiding in Jesus. Sorrow can exist in communion and in abiding/trusting in Christ...Fear cannot. First John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love...."
You can be sad and trust, but you cannot fear AND trust. One or the other. Trust OR Fear. Which one will it be.?
While holding sorrow and grieving anything in life - big or small, it's imperative that I hold it, feel it, and experience it in the context of this full trust and surrender. Trusting that the best is not behind me. Trusting that the best is yet to come. Trusting that there is still life to be had and it will be beautiful.
Along with this, I believe that God is often telling me to be still and let HIM fight. Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." This verse has come to my mind over and over at various times this past year, and it's not a verse that I have thought of much at other times in my life. I am a woman of action. I don't like to be idle. I am a fighter. A scrapper. Recently, though, in my relationship with Jesus, I feel Him telling me to sit back, be still, and let Him fight my battles for me. He brings me to the end of my wisdom, my knowledge, my striving and says "Ok. Now lay that all down and watch me work."
This requires a ruthless trust...and I want to have that. I want to trust that he has the answers. That he is all powerful, and will work all things for my good. That he can fix my mistakes and the mistakes of others. That he can redeem all things. That I need not fear anything.
I don't know what my life will look like at the end of this next year. But I hope - oh I hope - that I am a women who trusts more fiercely and rests more fully in the ONE who is over all things....
and knows my name.
