Look at Me

I was standing in church the other day ready to sing.  As I was looking up to the stage,  all of the sudden I was overcome by seeing someone up there who wrecked me.  I don't even know her personally.  But I do know a bit of her story...and from what I know she is someone who has been through some tragedy and pain...and who God has redeemed and blessed and brought into a new and beautiful place.

I looked at her and almost instantly I felt emotion rising up in me.
Jealousy
Jealous of God's redemption in her life.

How ugly it feels to even type that.

The tears started coming.
I struggled to sing.
I stood there wrestling.  Wondering.  Longing.
Perhaps even a bit angry.

I felt "held out" on.
Left out.
Self-pity.
Empty and void of blessing

...nowhere near truth.

But regardless, I was wrought.

And that's when I heard it.  In that wrestling match in my mind, I heard it.  The Lord broke through and it was so very clear and unmistakable.  I could not deny it.

"Look at me."

So Gently, So lovingly I heard Him say, "Look at me."
In my soul I felt...
"You are looking around - trying to make sense of your life from gazing at others.
This has never worked.  Your life only makes sense when you look at me."

I stood in that thought for a moment.  I shifted my eyes, my mind, and my heart.  The shifting brought me back to peace and to the lover of my soul who knows all things and who works all things for good.  And who IS love.

I am just like Peter on that boat in the sea of Galilee.  My gaze so easily moves to my surroundings.  It wonders to the wind and the waves...to the impossible prayers....to the bleak...to the void.  And in the middle of that disastrous mess the Lord says, "Fix your eyes on me."

I think of C.S. Lewis' book "The Horse and His Boy" where Aslan the Lion meets Shasta to tell him how he is at work in Shasta's life story...
Shasta, however,  shifts the conversation and asks about the life of his friend Aravis...and why Aslan had done something different in her life.  Aslan simply says, "I am telling you your story.....not hers."

God is telling us our story - as we walk - he is guiding, leading, directing, and our job is to abide. Focus our eyes.
Look at Jesus.
And feel all else slip into the distance.