Tucker James

From a while back:

Springtime isn't the same without my sweet buddy.  

I've been going on morning walks in the park by my house these days, and it's just peaceful and glorious.  I sometimes imagine that I'm Ciara Knightly walking through the dewey grass in the English countryside towards Mr. Darcy... (gosh I love that movie)...
but then I remember I am wearing sweatpants, my hair is disastrous, and I haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth yet...and I realize it's not at all that glamorous...
...and I am not Ciara Knightly.
I am just walking - walking in the peaceful morning under the weeping cherry trees gathering my wits about me and praying to my God.

The other morning as I was hiking in the woods, my thoughts went to Tucker, my chocolate lab.  Oh how I miss that boy. He was with me through the great and the good and the bad and the sad - my sidekick and faithful companion.  I hiked with him, ran errands with him, snuggled with him, cried with him - I lived my life with this sweet boy of mine.  Right after Jason died, I remember getting beside him in the yard, petting him, and with tears saying, "It's just you and me now..."

And the reality of being single is that I have spent more time with Tucker than I have any one human on this planet these last 12 years.

That's a lot of time.

I miss having him greet me at the door.  I miss having him lick my leg, arm, face - those sweet Tucker kisses.  I miss throwing balls incessantly.  I miss watching him try to carry massive trees through the woods...watching him jump off docks...throwing sticks to him as he swims.  I miss seeing his face out of the window of the truck with his mouth, eyes, and ears flapping in the wind...excited for the destination and honestly just happy for being on the journey with me.  Years ago - during a season of anxiety when I didn't know which way was up, or down, or who I even was anymore, I remember clinging to him for dear life because I just needed something living to hang on to.
Tucker brought such peace, joy and laughter.

He was a fighter - not unlike me...and boy did he fight until the very end.  I continued to be shocked by how long he hung on...and a part of me thinks it was because he didn't want to leave me.  I became his caretaker - who he depended on for everything...to get up, to eat, to go outside.  It was long.  It was so hard.  It was utterly exhausting.  And I would do it ALL over again for my sweet boy...because I loved him that much.
I would lay on the floor with him, hugging him and crying - telling him it was ok to go...that I would be ok.  Oh the brutal end - it pains me to this day. There are no adequate words.

We had such great times - Tucker and me.

Run freely, my sweet boy.  Run up that hill with Jason.  Chase a ball and all the sticks your heart desires.

You were a sweet blessing from above and you made your mama's life so much better and happier.