Riding

I watched a video the other day about God.  In it there was a boy riding in the back seat of a car - the windows were down, his hand was out the window, and his hair was blowing from the wind of the drive.  The sun was shining low in the sky as if it were early evening, and the mood was reminiscent of  childhood days from many years ago.  The narrator was talking about what it means to be "home" - wherever you are...what it means to be a child of God, and to know it deeply in your soul - to feel taken care of, loved, and desired. 

Something about seeing that boy sitting in the backseat of the car moved me....and I think it's because I do what he was doing so well.  I am a GOOD rider...no...a GREAT rider.  I love to ride with my hand out the window, my face to the sun, and my hair blowing in the breeze.  I love the ride.  I love not being in charge.  I love getting to enjoy the scenery without a care about where I'm going or how to get to where I'm going.  This is somewhere in the core of who I am.

But the reality is that I've had precious few years where that was my life.  For most of my life I've been alone.  Independent.  This is not because it's what I desire as it may be for some.  This is just because it's been my lot in life.  I envy those who've had someone to take care of them since they were in their early 20's or even before.  I wonder at what it must feel like to not have to think about getting the oil checked in your car....or your gutters cleaned...or how you're going to move that big piece of furniture into the house.  I marvel at the people who've never touched a weed whacker, or a furnace, or a power drill.  I wish that were my life...I can't imagine how it must feel to know that someone else is going to take care of it without my having to ask, inconvenience, pay for it, or do it myself.  That world simply is just not mine to know.

This reality is probably why when I met my late husband, I told him "I will ride with you as far as you want to drive..."  and I would've ridden with him forever. With him, for the first time since childhood, I could finally relax - because someone else was going to take care of it....whatever "it" was. I felt beautiful in that rest....like I was being who I was meant to be....giving the world a better version of myself....a truer version of myself.
The bottom line....I didn't have to be in charge anymore.

This reality is also why I remember after his death grieving very specifically that I was going to have to drive everywhere.  And it broke my heart.

So when my discussion group finished the video with the boy riding in the car, we were asked how it touched or moved us.  My first thought (that I of course emphatically said out loud) was "I hate driving."  To which they (and I) laughed - because it really did seem horribly shallow considering the depth of the video. 

However, I believe that is exactly the point.

Although there are realities to my life that are real and unavoidable - I do have to drive - to work, to church, to the grocery store, etc.  I do have to mow my grass, pay the bills, change light bulbs, and decide what I'm doing and how to spend my time...

...but this DOES NOT have to be my life spiritually.  In my walk with Jesus I get to ride.  I get to be that little child sitting in the passenger seat with my hand out of the window; basking in the sun and the fresh air.  I get to let Him decide.  I get to allow Him to take care of me.  My only job is to be in car....just to stay in the car and enjoy the ride.  To Abide.  When he turns, I turn.  When he moves, I move. When he stops, I stop. 

But none of this is ultimately my decision... I hear his whisper, "Do you trust me?  Just ride."

This metaphor is so freeing to me.  It releases my soul to rest, and it refurbishes the beauty that he has created and is creating in me.  God is challenging me to trust him and allow him to be God - the lover of my soul...the one who redeems and frees me.

Make me, Lord, a woman who trusts. 

I want to be a woman who has the sun and the wind in her face...and who rides.

*  For the "Riding" Video, copy and paste  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQWQQ0yE7-g

Vision

It seems there's been a theme in my life lately...and that theme is Vision.  I go through periods of time when my focus is clear, there is mass purpose in my days, and I am thrilled about the adventure God wants me to be a part of...

But then I also go through times when I'm in the hum-drum of daily life.  I am tired, overwhelmed, confused, and doubtful.  I lose sight of the adventure.  I lose sight of the passion and mystery.  In those places it seems that life has clouded out his vision...and I want it back.  Desperately.  I want purpose beyond measure.  I want adventure beyond normal.   I want a life that matters, and matters deeply.  I want to live beyond myself.

God is waking me up.  He's been reminiscing to me that He has severe purpose in my life.  He's been reminding me of the passions in my heart.  He is renewing my longing to pray and seek the adventure.  He's telling me that in those places where I see a need and am absolutely wrecked - in those places where I stand weeping and overcome with emotion - that GOD is in that wrecking...and he wants me to act.

I ran across a video today that touched my heart.  In this idea of vision, it spoke to me about the place of sacrifice.  It spoke to me about a child's heart.  I hope it speaks to you too.
http://www.compassion.com/magazine/give.htm?referer=128018

All I know is that I want there to be no other explanation for my life, other than the power of God working in me.